We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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