why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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