This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
