fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
