a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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