great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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