i think i have herpe
just one?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Drunk is not a location!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
