I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
