at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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