Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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