I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Randomize
