No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
