There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
