who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you would pick up someone in the library
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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