I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
