the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
