hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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