I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
