Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
