I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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