smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
