we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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