my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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