he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
