We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Can I color on your dick again?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
