He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
