I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
