why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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