I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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