she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We are two peas in an std pod
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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