He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
