I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
