my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
