Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
