he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
