either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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