I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Actions speak louder than pants.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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