I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
this is an emotional support booty call
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
