I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
