I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
