Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We just shotgunned beers for America
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
