Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
