who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
