Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
