I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
