he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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