It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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