I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
That's intense
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
