It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
