some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
